It’s been 3 hours since I woke up and I can’t seem to get you out of my mind

I woke up 5.30 today to do my subuh prayers, usually I’d go back to sleep, but right now… my head is full of you. It’s been 3 hours since I woke up and I’ve only been thinking about you, thinking about the possibility of us, thinking too much.

First things first, we finally went on a roadtrip we always talked about, it was fun, but for me it wasn’t about the destination, it was more about the companion. Travelling with you feels so safe and we’d always have something to talk about. Even at home when we were about to sleep felt safe because we spent the night watching a movie together.

This is 4 days after the trip and I still can’t get you out of my mind. Monday was your first day of work, I asked how it went. I promise it’s not just basa basi, I genuinely wanted to know how it went.

I can’t help but overthink the fact that your Mom and your Dad was 1 year apart and your Mom was older than him. That can sorta mean that age distance isn’t a problem in your family.

Then when a friend told me that it was impossible for you to not have feelings for me after we fought and you cried about it at our perpisahan day.

Would you think it’s weird if I had feelings for you? Would you find it odd, if all along, the feelings were always there, it just grew stronger at some point. I really don’t want to lose you by risking and confessing, but I think I’d lose you if I didn’t risk it. What are the odds of you actually having the feelings back?

All this time I didn’t want to risk our friendship, we have a lot of peers together. But if, amit-amit, you didn’t feel the same way, that’s when I know that I don’t need to put an effort anymore. All this time I’ve always put an effort to go out with our friend groups, just so I could be with you more often. Just so we’d spend more time together. If you didn’t have the same feelings, I wouldn’t have to go all the way anymore. But honestly, if you do, if you felt the same way and you’d be willing to risk it all, I’m all yours. I’d wait for you until you’d be mapan enough and I’d wait for you to spend my whole life with you. I’d wait for you until we get to live our lives as we imagined, in an aesthetically pleasing house, turning on a record every morning with a child on the way.

They said if you liked someone more than 4 months, it’s love. I’ve had the feelings since forever, but I only validated my own feelings back in July 22 when I last wrote about you. Now it’s been 5 months and it’s only been stronger. We’d hang out more these past couple of weeks, I like that. Turns out we haven’t fallen apart and lived our own lives, we’d always find a way to be with each other. You’d facetime me whenever you know I was still awake. And that one time I didn’t pick up, I had the biggest smile on my face when I woke up to see that Missed Call notification from you. I was at a low point that time, if only I picked up my phone that night and facetimed you back. But that’s okay, there’s still plenty of nights that we could do that.

Please,

please don’t be in love with someone else,

please don’t have somebody waiting on you..

Please don’t have somebody else waiting on you, cause that’s what I’m doing. I know I’d be heartbroken if it weren’t reciprocated. But at least it would be evermore beautiful when it’s reciprocated because I’d know it was worth it all along. It was worth the risk.

December 9 is the premier of a movie we’ve been talking about, I hope you haven’t watched it yet. let’s watch it together, as a date.

Present Amalia, please, I release him out of my mind for you to go back to your day and be productive. I’ll see you tonight.

Basically the “to all the boys i’ve loved before” version of my life