just had a dream full of people that i miss

and you were the highlight (the actual highlight, not the one i said on twitter)

i just saw you replied on my chat in a chat group of ours, perhaps i resonated that i missed you, somehow?

do you know how, on a tiktok vid i heard that i should not feel that i’m not worthy of love, i should not feel that i don’t deserve love.. but with you, somehow.. i feel as if i’m not worthy of your love? writing this doesn’t even make sense, but after seeing all the prettier girls that you’ve loved in the past.. i just know i for sure can’t compete with those girls, let alone getting your pure attention. i know you only see me as a friend, a really good friend indeed, someone you cried over just because we had a little fight, and you were afraid that the fight we had would ruin our friendship.. somehow your tears that day were still mysterious to me.. even up until today.. every time I tell the story. what did it really mean? does those tear have any other meaning? would it bother you if i called you every time i missed talking to you? would it bother you if i sent all the random messages that i wanted to send but never do? would we still be best friends if we don’t talk that often?

if i facetimed you randomly just because i was looking for someone to talk to, would you be there for me?

please know that, every time i want to cerita.. i do.. i really do.. but i just can’t… i can’t be the one to cerita first, just because this wall that i built, it’s so hard for me to knock down the ngechat duluan wall. and you know it.

i wrote all these letters for you di medium ini, i hope that someday bakal nyampe ke lu dan lu jadi tau gue sebenernya perasaannya gimana. i miss you, i always have dari setelah kita jarang chat, walaupun kadang-kadang masih ketemu thankfully, tapi i still want to talk to you everyday, i want to know where you are (thanks to find friends jadi tau sih) i want to know your stories too, gue bahkan suka masih inget cerita2 lu yang lama, i really do.. bahkan gue baca buku Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ini gue asosiasikan sama lu, banyak hal di hidup gue yang gue asosiasikan sama hubungan gue sama lu, walaupun hubungannya semu, dan hal-hal yang gue fikirkan ini sebenernya cuma gue buat-buat aja di kepala gue. i made this version of you in my head that made me feel this way, walaupun jelas-jelas bertepuk sebelah tangan.. dalam lubuk hati gue paling dalam, gue berharap dan gue agak tau kalo ini gak bertepuk sebelah tangan, tapi lagi-lagi gengsi gue lebih gede dari perasaan gue..

please, don’t be in love with someone else

please don’t have somebody, waiting on you..