you’ve been on my mind
yesterday, a friend of mine pointed out that we looked good together, he said “i’m just stating facts” and the whole group agreed. he literally put me on the spot by saying this. but to be honest that wasn’t the first time he ever said that. he once asked me why I didn’t go out with you. and honestly… i still don’t know how to react. do I seem obvious? does it make the situation awkward? I really want to know what’s your stance on it. do you ever think about it as much as I think about it? does it ever cross your mind that what he said could be true? are you also too afraid to ruin the friendship? at one point, i certainly want to try, but I’m afraid I might hurt you, or if you would ever hurt me, then we couldn’t see each other the same way anymore. I still want to go on many adventures with you. cause I actually want to be with you, I hope you actually want to be with me too. how weird would it be tho.. but if eeeeveryone else can see we look good together and we should be together, why don’t we think like that as well?
ever since this discussion came up, it feels like we’re slowly building a wall. you’ve put your distance, i showed as if i didn’t care when I did. well to be really honest i’ve dropped several handkerchiefs over the past year, ever since June 2021. but i (hopefully) make it as seamless as possible. there’s so many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how, so I’m writing this unpublished love letter.
and if you ask me back the question, what my stance is on this topic, i would say
first and foremost, i like myself when i’m with you, i feel safe and calm, i even prefer traveling with you because of that. i like talking to you and i like the questions that comes up in our conversations, our discussions, i remember every single one of it. from the one you said about how you would be when you become a father (the nerd one that tells your kid everything about star wars and all), how your dad is younger than your mother by a year (like us), how i looked good when I showed you my pas foto, any many more. i like being with you, in general I suppose. and for that, i think that i might like, you.
and i know that the wall between us is in the capital BESTIE ZONE, but i swear, even if we don’t pan out, we can still be very good friends. thats my view on being with your best friend. if you get together, wouldn’t that be an amazing thing? and even if you don’t end up together, you actually can still be friends with them, and if not, then you guys might not be as good as friends to begin with. i am completely okay with best friends turn into lover cause i see it as a beautiful thing. as it should.
3.10.2022 02:01
i want to continue this letter
so as per usual, you’ve been on my mind all night. i’ve tried distracting my thoughts with clay cafes and masters journey but it all comes back to you. so i’m writing this out
whenever i think about the future.. i picture myself happily married. and somehow, sometimes, the man in the picture is you. whenever i try to shake it off and say, i shouldn’t settle for less (meaning, i shouldn’t be the one chasing you) it still hits me. it would be so meaningful, if i end up with you. because we’re best friends already, we’ve got so much history, we’ve created stories together, we’ve got a total of 4 friend groups together.
even if some stranger who was filthy rich would come up to sway me and ask for marriage (someone successful like Hanu), I would still be thinking about you. well, ofcourse then I would have to put a distance in our friendship. but i still feel like, it would be more meaningful if the person were you. It sounds cheesy but I would want to have your kids. we’ve been through things together since 2018. I could already picture you as that kind of Dad that geeks out on Star Wars with our future Son. we would have so much fun designing our house together like we always wanted. it would just make sense. does it make sense to you? writing it here makes it kind of less of a sense, its just that my mind and heart rarely aligns in this sort of stuff.
but to answer the question above, “why don’t you guys just date, you look good together” the answer would be, I would if he saw me that way too. but i can’t seem to stop thinking that he thinks the same way cause, he knows if I and pgdm dated, it would be hella fun cause we’re both adventurous, I mean, don’t you see that too? I would be fun and adventurous too if I were with you!
